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Beware of WUSS
As soon as you walk into the room, you know they are watching you. It’s like entering a buffet in a forest inhabited by thousands of creatures with glowing and/or beady eyes, all of which are intently watching you, but without the trees, creatures, and glowing and/or beady eyes.
But there’s food, and they know that is why you come.
Or not. I’m talking about the cafeteria.
Let me tell you a story about my recent run-in with the powers-that-be of our fine Dining Services. It was a bright Thursday morning, the kind that makes you happy because the sun is shining and birds are singing, but oddly depressed, because that same sun is melting the polar ice caps that will eventually drown us all. I was eating breakfast with my friend in the Crane-Hill cafeteria. For purposes of anonymity (probably because she’d never admit to her friends that she ate breakfast with me), she shall henceforth be referred to as “Leyna” instead of Leslie, her real name.
Leyna was running a bit late on that bright, depressing Thursday, and had misplaced her Washakie mug some time before. Because of this, she had brought in another mug from which to drink her morning coffee. Mere seconds after she sat down with her forbidden mug of joe, we both realized the power of UW Dining Services.
In an instant, the peaceful ritual of morning mastication turned into a scene of awe-inspiring precision and power. Five or six Washakie Undercover Secret Service (WUSS) agents rappelled from the ceiling of the dining hall and surrounded us with very powerful-looking assault weapons.
“That drinking vessel is prohibited by BLECH (Bureau of Law Enforcement in Crane-Hill) section 428, paragraph 7, sub-rule Q! Where is your standard issue Washakie thermal drinking unit?”
Leyna sat stunned in mid-bite, a large portion of half-chewed bagel in her mouth. “Mmg flossf epp!”
The head WUSS agent looked at her. “Please finish chewing and repeat your response, resident!”
With wide eyes and a trembling jaw, Leyna finished the bagel in her mouth. “I… I lost it!” She looked as if she was going to cry like a junior high girl at Titanic.
The head WUSS made an elaborate hand signal to the agent on his right. The agent responded by digging in his pack. He produced a new Washakie mug. As he held it out to Leyna, I noticed that the other WUSS agents still had their weapons trained on us. I then remembered to take the spoon out of my mouth.
“Remember that you can only use your standard issue Washakie thermal drinking unit while in the dining hall. Consider this a warning, resident!”
Leyna nodded her head rapidly, and clumsily poured her coffee from her prohibited mug into her new, standard issue thermal drinking unit. Most of it spilled onto the table, her hands were shaking so bad.
When she finished, the WUSS agents rapidly scaled back up their rappelling lines and disappeared. I looked at Leyna in shock. Her face was whiter than a gallon of milk, but definitely more solid. Tears were streaming down her face and she was mumbling to herself incoherently. I noticed that the entire cafeteria had fallen silent, and everybody was looking at us. It was eerie, to say the least.
I then noticed that class started
in the
“Leyna”, I said, “you aren’t allowed to take that out with you! Do you have any idea what they’ll do to you? They can see you!”
Her eyes looked at the bagel in her shaking hand and flew around the dining hall. “What do I do?”
“Uh, I’d finish that bagel if I were you.”
She did and we left. As soon as we were through the designated “Out” door, I could feel the watching eyes of the WUSS leave me. We were safe, or at least until we went to eat there again.
At any rate, I now need to write a
letter to Custom Retitling and Acronym Professionals. I really don’t like being
so scared of such a big WUSS. Don’t laugh at me- it’s a violation of a BLECH
rule.