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Suffering the Little
Children
It doesn’t
take a rocket scientist to figure out that life is nothing like a James Bond
film.
There are
no clever yet truly unbright villains to construct
elaborate execution devices that can be rendered out of commission with a
simple quarter or Russian supermodel.
People
wearing lab coats and speaking with British accents do not create
Transformer-like gadgets that, while under the guise of standard items, are
capable of killing, maiming, or make the best damn espresso that
And, of
course, not every woman belongs in the pages of the annual “Sports Illustrated”
Swimsuit Issue.
But then
again, life is similar to the fiction world of Bond in one simple yet constant
facet: danger.
Even the unbrightest villain with his most needlessly elaborate
death trap can name the most dangerous being in existence. And no, it’s neither
the grizzly nor the albacore tuna.
It is the
ordinary, everyday, ubiquitous small child.
For those
in the back of the room, I will repeat myself: the small child is indeed the
single greatest source of danger present in the modern world.
If I have
learned anything about persuasive argument from TV court shows (actually, I’m
not sure that I have), it has to be that logic is nowhere near requisite. Sure,
it might work in an untelevised court case, but
that’s beside the point. Noted non-rocket scientist O.J. Simpson figured this
one out the first time.
But I do
have evidence for my argument (not for a court case, televised or otherwise).
Unlike the aforementioned legal proceedings, it isn’t made up.
The website
for The Miami Herald contains an article about little Caralina
Santiago, a 3-year-old girl who managed to ride a Yamaha jet ski – by herself –
across Lake Margaret in Florida, through the back yard of Russ Melina, under
the Melina children’s swing set, and through the screen around Melina’s back
porch. The approximate total distance of Caralina’s
ride was 100 yards. Luckily, nobody was hurt.
“First I'm
thinking there's a Jet Ski on my porch,” commented Russ’ wife Bonnie Melina.
She then displayed the kind of observatory skills most associated with
chimpanzees by adding, “That can’t be good.”
What makes
this little girl so dangerous? Anybody in an arid landlocked area, such as
Unfortunately, we probably won’t know until it’s too late,
and we are all crushed like so many back porch screens beneath so many Yamaha watercraft.
Obviously,
the saying “Don’t count your chickens with a chainsaw” doesn’t apply nearly as
well as “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Here are a few steps
that we need to take to protect ourselves from small children and their
inherent unpredictability.
1. Carry
lots of duct tape. If you can subdue a child, duct tape can effectively
restrain him before he can do something stupid or deadly.
2. Go to
3. Avoid Jet
Skis that are on porches, as it can’t be good.
4. Hang out
with O.J. Simpson, as little kids don’t like him.
While
you’re following these simple precautions, don’t forget about the other dangers
of the world, particularly albacore tuna. If the dolphins aren’t really safe,
how can you be?